Monday, 22 July 2013

Ten Pearls of Wisdom

There is an unwritten rule that says now I'm in my 'advanced' years I can share pearls of wisdom with others. The rule doesn't make clear whether others listen. However, it is of no consequence to me if they do or don't. In other words, I don't give a shit! All I know is that the following things, in no particular order of importance, are certain and true.

Pearl 1: Cosmetics will not make anyone beautiful, overnight or otherwise and, when we all come to our senses, the cosmetic industry will be put on trial for crimes against humanity and nature (and false advertising). 

Pearl 2: You will get laid regardless of what you look like because sex has nothing to do with looks, everything to do with your brain. Good sex starts in the brain and is intelligent. Good sex is fucking fantastic!

Pearl 3: You can never have enough teaspoons and tea towels.  Believe me.

Pearl 4: Reality TV is the same as the freak shows that used to be attached to a circus and just as obscenely horrible.

Pearl 5: The only way to know if you are a successful parent is if your offspring don't grow up to be axe-murderers, drug dealers, obscenely wealthy, human traffickers or recidivists. These people and people like them are NOT, repeat NOT, fully functioning, authentic human beings.

Pearl 6: Nobody cares what colour your hair is, whether it is long, short, or middling or what style you adopt. Honest, no one gives a rat’s arse.

Pearl 7: The sky will not fall in if you wear the same clothes twice in the same week. Honest! Most people won't even notice and those that do notice are the fashion police and they are to be ignored at all costs. 

Pearl 8: The only real best friend you will EVER have is a dog!

Pearl 9:  Shaving your legs, or any other part of your body, is a complete and utter waste of time.  

Pearl 10: 60% of what you learn will be of no use to you in everyday life. But, learning stuff is such kick-arse fun!

There you have it, just some of the things I've learnt in almost three score years and ten. Now, go live your life in the way you want. Wisdom is highly overrated.

Sunday, 7 July 2013

A Day in the Garden

My wonderful son and grandson came for a visit last Tuesday and ended up completely transforming my back garden. Well Ric did the transforming by weeding, pruning and putting in stakes to support my falling plants.

Daniel rode the bike; 

put pieces of a concrete slab in and out of the wagon. He told me he was a big boy now he was three and a half;

brushed his teeth 3 times until they sparkled. He is such a delight;

helped me 'ferdilise' the plants. I told him he could fertilise the plants much better than me and he told me, "Gwanma, I'll help you because I 'ferdilise the plants better than you" (didn't get a picture of this because we were too busy 'ferdilising');

painted a picture;

and kept me entertained all afternoon.

Great work boys (and thank you)!

Wednesday, 3 July 2013

Nothing. Nada. Zilch. Naught. Nil. Zero. Except a laugh!

I have no words. They have all dried up (or maybe that's me).

Instead, here is a funny email I received. It shows the perils of translation. I suspect Chinese people are far too smart for the following to be true but hope you have a chuckle or two.

A  woman went to Beijing recently and was given this brochure by the hotel. It  is precious. She is keeping it and reading it whenever she feels depressed.  Obviously, it has been translated directly, word for word from Mandarin to English………. 

Getting  There:Our  representative will make you wait at the airport. The bus to the hotel runs  along the lake shore. Soon you will feel pleasure in passing water. You will  know that you are getting near the hotel, because you will go round the bend.  The manager will await you in the entrance hall. He always tries to have intercourse with all new guests.

The  hotel:
This  is a family hotel, so children are very welcome. We of course are always pleased to accept adultery. Highly skilled nurses are available in the  evenings to put down your children. Guests are invited to conjugate in the bar and expose themselves to others. But please note that ladies are not allowed to have babies in the bar. We organize social games, so no guest is ever left  alone to play with them self.

The  Restaurant:
Our menus have been carefully chosen to be ordinary and unexciting. At dinner, our quartet will circulate from table to table and fiddle with  you.

Your  Room:
Every room has excellent facilities for your private parts. In winter, every room is on heat. Each room has a balcony offering views of outstanding obscenity!   You will not be disturbed by traffic noise since the road between the hotel and the lake is used only by pederasts.

Your  bed has been made in accordance with local tradition. If you have any other ideas please ring for the chambermaid. Please take advantage of her. She will  be very pleased to squash your shirts, blouses and underwear. If asked, she  will also squeeze your trousers.

Above  all:
When  you leave us at the end of your holiday, you will have no hope. You will  struggle to forget it.